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Alice, Cheshire Cat 1, 2, 3
ALICE: Should I or shouldn't I? You
know what they say: "If you don't explore, you'll never discover." But
my sister Mathilda always says, "Look before you leap." Well, I'm
looking and it looks pretty deep and dark and I can't see the bottom and
maybe it goes all the way to the center of the earth and I'll be burnt
to a crisp in the molten core like the bad marshmallow we've all heard
so much about! (pause) Or not. (pause) Ok, I looked.
Now it's time to leap! (ALICE
jumps down the rabbit hole and falls a long way. Her dress acts as a
parachute.)
CHESHIRE CAT 1: Alice jumped into the
dark rabbit hole—
CHESHIRE CAT 2: And fell for what
seemed like three and a half weeks.
CHESHIRE CAT 3: More like four and a
quarter.
CHESHIRE CAT 2: She fell and fell and
fell.
CHESHIRE CAT 1: But she wasn't alone!
ALICE: I'm so confused!
CHESHIRE CAT 2: Until she meets me.
CHESHIRE CAT 1: Us.
CHESHIRE CAT 3: We!
CHESHIRE CAT 1,2,3: Aloha, Alice. I— We
are the Cheshire Cat.
ALICE: Oh how do you do? I have a cat
named Dinah just like you.
CHESHIRE CAT 2: Oh, really?
CHESHIRE CAT 3: Just like us, huh?
CHESHIRE CAT 1,2,3: Can Dinah stand on
her head like this?
(The CHESHIRE CAT rearranges his
body parts, so he is standing on his own head.)
Alice (learn this part too), Doorknob
(ALICE tugs on the DOORKNOB, which
yelps in pain.)
DOORKNOB: Yeeooowwww! Leggo my schnazzola already!
ALICE: Oh, I'm sorry. I have to find the White Rabbit.
DOORKNOB: Who taught you to go around pulling on people's proboscises...essess...
ss.
ALICE: You're not a person, you're a piece of housing material.
DOORKNOB: Well, doorknobs have feelings too.
ALICE: I'm very sorry I pulled on your proboscis, but I have to find the
White Rabbit.
DOORKNOB: You're far too big to enter Wonderland.
ALICE: Oh no, no! But I just have to get in, I just have to! (ALICE
starts to cry.)
DOORKNOB: Don't cry, please don't cry. Maybe if you drank some of the
magic potion in that convenient, floating-nearby bottle, you might fit
in.
ALICE: Remember, Alice: Look before you leap. I really don't know what's
in this bottle, but it looks so pretty. But it could be poison, or
mayonnaise, or floor polish, or a frothy combination of all three! But I
have to find the White Rabbit. Oh well, if you don't explore, you'll
never discover. Bottom's up!
Small Alice, Lily, Petunia, Rose, Violet,
Daisy, Caterpillar
SMALL ALICE: Oh, I wish I could be just
like you!
LILY: Keep dreaming, crabgrass!
PETUNIA: You're just a silly little
uncool weed.
SMALL ALICE: I'm not a weed. I'm a
little girl.
ROSE: Violet, she says she's a little
girl!
FLOWERS: Eeeeeuuuuuuuuuu!
VIOLET: Whatever!
PETUNIA: You're way too uncool to
become a Girl of the Golden Afternoon.
SMALL ALICE: You
wouldn't talk to me like that if I weren't three inches tall.
ROSE: (cackling) But you are,
Alice, you are three inches tall!
LILY: Beat it slug, before you wind up
on the bottom of somebody's shoe.
DAISY: Look girls, I think she has
bugs!
FLOWERS: Eeeeeeeeeeuuuuuu!
(The FLOWERS laugh at SMALL ALICE as she
stomps away.)
SMALL ALICE: Oh, they make me so mad!
They think they can be mean to me just because I'm smaller than they
are.
CATERPILLAR: (The
CATERPILLAR enters, blowing bubbles.) Oh, don't let those dried out
little annuals get you down, kid.
SMALL ALICE: I wish I could be as
pretty as they are, then life would be so easy.
CATERPILLAR: Sweetiepie, lambchop,
honeydew – they're just gonna wind up sitting around in somebody's
imitation cut glass vase for three days 'til they wither and die, then
it's "thanks a lot" and out with the garbage! But enough about them.
Whooooo, pray tell, are youuuuuuu?
SMALL ALICE: My name is Alice. Whooo,
pray tell, are youuuu?
CATERPILLAR: I am whoever you want me
to be, if I, in fact, am indeed whoever I say I am or someday hope to
be. You dig?
SMALL ALICE: Yes. Uhm, no.
CATERPILLAR: (snaps his fingers)
I'm the Caterpillar, kiddo, your wonder of wonders, your miracle of
miracles, your happy, happy day!
SMALL ALICE: Oh, I'm so confused.
Nothing makes any sense here. Life can be so hard when you're only three
inches tall.
CATERPILLAR: Alice, the caterpillar's
gonna share two magical, hyphenated little words with you, guaranteed to
make even your very worst day simply absolutely fabulous! Ready?
SMALL ALICE: Ready.
CATERPILLAR: Repeat after me: Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
SMALL ALICE: Zip-a-dee-doo-dah—
CATERPILLAR: Zip-a-dee-ay!
SMALL ALICE: Zip-a-dee-ay. Zip-a-dee-doo-dah,
zip-a-dee-ay!
CATERPILLAR: You've been holding out on
me! Hit it!
Tall Alice, Dodo Bird, White Rabbit
TALL ALICE: (TALL ALICE enters
wearing the house like a dress and the roof as a hat.) Oh, no. I
can't go out in public in this house dress. I've got to do something.
I'm not a monster, I'm a little girl. Okay, a very big little girl.
DODO BIRD: Whoa! Love the hat.
WHITE RABBIT: I'm late! Help me! Help
me!
DODO BIRD: I have the answer!
DODO BIRD: We'll burn the house down!
WHITE RABBIT, TALL ALICE: Nooooo!
DODO BIRD: Hurry up now, gather the
wood. Anybody got a light? I'm all out.
TALL ALICE: Didn't your mother ever
tell you not to play with matches?
WHITE RABBIT: Just hurry!!! Pleeeease!!!
I'm—
ALL: Late. We know.
TALL ALICE: Oh dear, I better do
something fast. Maybe if I eat one of those carrots growing in the
rabbit's garden!
The White Rabbit (learn this line too)
WHITE RABBIT: (The WHITE RABBIT runs on, blasting a trumpet. ALL snap to
attention.) Attention, attention, inhabitants and subjects and all other
direct or indirect objects of Wonderland: fall to your knees and tremble
before her majestic majesty, her royal regality, yes, folks, your
favorite monarch of mean and mine, The One, The Only, Queen of Hearts!!!
Tweedle Dum & Tweedle Dee
TWEEDLE DUM: Oh, how do you do, Sorry!
I'm Tweedle Dum.
TWEEDLE DEE: And I'm Tweedle Dee. I've never met anyone named Sorry
before.
(ALICE and the TWEEDLES shake hands at the same time in a confusing,
elaborate handshake.)
ALICE: Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm not Sorry. I'm sorry.
TWEEDLE DEE: Oh, how do you do! I'm Tweedle Dee.
TWEEDLE DUM: No, I'm Tweedle Dee. (ALICE and the TWEEDLES shake
hands.)
TWEEDLE DEE: No, I'm Tweedle Dee. You're Tweedle Dum.
TWEEDLE DUM: Oh, am I? I'm sorry.
TWEEDLE DEE: What a coincidence! So is she!
TWEEDLE DUM: (to ALICE) Are we related?!
ALICE: I'm sorry?
TWEEDLE DUM: Oh, how do you do! I'm Tweedle Dum.
TWEEDLE DEE: Then I must be Tweedle Dee. (ALICE and the TWEEDLES
shake hands.)
ALICE: Don't you know who you are?
TWEEDLE DUM: Well, there's no need to attack us!
TWEEDLE DEE: Yes, we've only just met!
ALICE: I thought you knew each other, I'm sorry.
TWEEDLE DUM: Oh, how do you do? I'm Tweedle Dum.
TWEEDLE DEE: And I'm Tweedle Dee. (ALICE and the TWEEDLES shake hands.)
ALICE: And I'm out of here! It's been fun, but I have to find the White
Rabbit. (ALICE tries to leave.)
TWEEDLE DUM: Meeting and running ain't very polite.
TWEEDLE DEE: Don't you have no couth?
TWEEDLE DUM: There's a right way—
TWEEDLE DEE: And a wrong way—
TWEEDLES: To do things!
Mathilda
MATHILDA: ...and of course these bright
red uniforms made them look just like giant walking lobsters that
went...(looking up into ALICE's huge face) Eeeeek!!! (taking the
magnifying glass away from ALICE) Alice, honestly, when are you ever
going to grow up?
ALICE: Look, Mathilda, I'm a lion! Roooarrrrrr!!! (ALICE slinks through
the grass, pretending to be a lioness.)
MATHILDA: Alice, you're just a silly little girl pretending to be a
lion. Remember what the Immortal Bard said: "To thine own self be true."
Oh, let me find that book and I'll show you...(MATHILDA searches for The
Complete Works of Shakespeare while ALICE gets comfy on the grass.)
Queen of Hearts, Royal Cardsmen
QUEEN OF HEARTS: And just what do we
have here, hmmmmm?
ALICE: I believe you mean "whom do we have here."
QUEEN OF HEARTS: (bellowing) Silence! We speak the Queen's English here,
you nameless little whelp!
ALICE: Yes, your Loudness. I mean your Largeness. I mean your Highness!
And my name is Alice.
ROYAL CARDSMEN: (gasping) Alice!?
QUEEN OF HEARTS: That's impossible, everyone knows Alice doesn't live
here anymore!
ALICE: All I want to do is find my way back home.
ROYAL CARDSMEN: (gasping) Her way home?!?
QUEEN OF HEARTS: Your way home?? You'll find my way home or we'll cut
off your head! You'll be who I say you are and no one else, do you
understand?
King of Hearts,
Queen of Hearts (learn this part too)
KING OF HEARTS: I'm afraid the match goes to Alice!
QUEEN OF HEARTS: You may have won the match, but you've just lost your
head! Royal Cardsmen! Off with her—
KING OF HEARTS: Wait my dearest, why don't we have a trial. Just this
once, you know, shake things up a bit.
QUEEN OF HEARTS: Well, all right, but make it fast. I want to see her
head rolling around like a bowling ball.
WHITE RABBIT: (blowing his trumpet) All assemble for the high tribunal
of Alice vs. Queen of Hearts.
(All the WONDERLAND CHARACTERS crowd in for the grand trial.)
KING OF HEARTS: (like a seasoned trial lawyer) The prisoner is charged
with enticing her majesty, the Queen of Hearts, into a game of Simon
Says, and thereby willfully and with Alice of forethought, didst put a
bee in her royal bonnet and cause our beloved Queen to lose her royal
temper!
ALICE: Don't be silly, I just beat her at her own game.
QUEEN OF HEARTS: (weeping like a distraught witness) She beat me, do you
hear, she confesses, she beat me, beat me.
Mad Hatter, March Hare
MAD HATTER: Rules can be so limiting.
MARCH HARE: It's so much more fun to make up your own rules.
ALICE: But if everyone makes up their own rules, how do you know if
you're playing the game right?
MAD HATTER: Well, that's part of the game, I guess.
MAD HATTER: Your watch is slow, silly. Here, let me fix it for you. (The
MAD HATTER grabs the watch. He and the other WONDERLAND CHARACTERS
huddle over it like surgeons over a patient. The CHESHIRE CAT makes the
sound of a heart monitor beeping.) Scalpel!
MARCH HARE: Scalpel!!
MAD HATTER: Scalpel!!!
MAD HATTER: Forceps!
MARCH HARE: Forceps!!
MAD HATTER: Axel Grease!
MARCH HARE: Axel Grease!!
MAD HATTER: Peanut butter!
MARCH HARE: Crunchy or smooth?!
MAD HATTER: Hurry, we're losing him!! Bring me the liverwurst!
MARCH HARE: The liverwurst!!
MAD HATTER: (like a mad scientist) Live, live, I command you to liiiive!!!!!
MARCH HARE: Oooops. You might want to get a new watch.
ALICE: Oh no, you broke it!
MAD HATTER: I know! Wasn't it fun? Let's do it again!!
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